The beginning of the end
So I've decided to start my blog again. I haven't blogged for.... oh, I don't know... years. When I was last into it, I was pregnant with my first daughter. She's nearly 11. It's been a long time.
I still have thoughts and feelings that I would love to write down. Even if no one reads them. Especially if no one reads them, I'd prefer it if they didn't. I am going to keep my name anonymous because I feel like the purpose of this is to be honest and I can't be honest if I'm worried about who's reading this. There will be no names, no distinguishing photos, nothing that will connect back to me.
I feel like that's the only way I can make this blog what I want it to be.
I want it to be about me, me and my life. I want it to be a selfish place where I can bitch and moan and be almost free therapy. I think that's how I'll treat it.
The title of this blog "This is not the life I promised you" came from The Greatest Showman. However let it be known that I tried probably 30 other names and everything was taken, to the point where I thought the button was broken so I typed in some random gibberish and that was available. Of course it was. No one wants to blog about gibberish.
So the line, it came to me, its said by PT Barnum, played by Hugh Jackman and he'd talking to his wife about their life and how he promised her a life of grandeur, money, travel, riches. He values those things because he was brought up without them. His wife was brought up with those things, but she values love more because she didn't get a lot of that. Anyway, the line came to me and it felt perfect, it's how I feel about myself.
I have such a good life. I pinch myself when I think about how lucky I am, how much I have, how much I do. But when it comes down to it, on the inside, I'm pretty miserable, and it's all my own doing.
It's all my own fault. My weight is out of control. totally out of control. I'm feeling it in every move I make, every conversation I have, every room I enter. I've never really been slight, I've always been a big girl, but where I am at the moment is ridiculous. This is not the life I promised myself.
I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that everything hurts. My back hurts, my knees hurt, I snore, I'm scared I'm going to get diabetes. And all of it is my doing. All this shit is my fault. I'm scared that i'm shortening my life span and my kids wont have me for as long as they should and I wont be around for them. If that's not motivation I don't know what is.
My husband, who I love so much, I don't want to touch me. I'm repulsed by me, and i'm scared that he will be too. He wants to be intimate, and I always turn him turn. It hurts him and I hate myself for doing it, but I just cant. I need to change. I need to change so desperately.
So, here I am.
I still have thoughts and feelings that I would love to write down. Even if no one reads them. Especially if no one reads them, I'd prefer it if they didn't. I am going to keep my name anonymous because I feel like the purpose of this is to be honest and I can't be honest if I'm worried about who's reading this. There will be no names, no distinguishing photos, nothing that will connect back to me.
I feel like that's the only way I can make this blog what I want it to be.
I want it to be about me, me and my life. I want it to be a selfish place where I can bitch and moan and be almost free therapy. I think that's how I'll treat it.
The title of this blog "This is not the life I promised you" came from The Greatest Showman. However let it be known that I tried probably 30 other names and everything was taken, to the point where I thought the button was broken so I typed in some random gibberish and that was available. Of course it was. No one wants to blog about gibberish.
So the line, it came to me, its said by PT Barnum, played by Hugh Jackman and he'd talking to his wife about their life and how he promised her a life of grandeur, money, travel, riches. He values those things because he was brought up without them. His wife was brought up with those things, but she values love more because she didn't get a lot of that. Anyway, the line came to me and it felt perfect, it's how I feel about myself.
I have such a good life. I pinch myself when I think about how lucky I am, how much I have, how much I do. But when it comes down to it, on the inside, I'm pretty miserable, and it's all my own doing.
It's all my own fault. My weight is out of control. totally out of control. I'm feeling it in every move I make, every conversation I have, every room I enter. I've never really been slight, I've always been a big girl, but where I am at the moment is ridiculous. This is not the life I promised myself.
I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that everything hurts. My back hurts, my knees hurt, I snore, I'm scared I'm going to get diabetes. And all of it is my doing. All this shit is my fault. I'm scared that i'm shortening my life span and my kids wont have me for as long as they should and I wont be around for them. If that's not motivation I don't know what is.
My husband, who I love so much, I don't want to touch me. I'm repulsed by me, and i'm scared that he will be too. He wants to be intimate, and I always turn him turn. It hurts him and I hate myself for doing it, but I just cant. I need to change. I need to change so desperately.
So, here I am.
Comments
Post a Comment